Proposals For a Better World When All This Is Over
The scope of art will be expanded to include the 6 o'clock news, corn on the cob, robotics, dreams, certain strands of bureaucracy, piano keys being ripped from the instrument then eaten, traffic light sequencing, zookeeping, and bus stops.
Extensive rewilding will take place, beginning by refilling the Nor Loch in Edinburgh, which currently goes by the name “Princes Street Gardens”.
The expression “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” to be replaced with “a bird in the hand, oh my god, look at this awesome bird in my hand!”
Radio stations will be required to play a random song from Carly Rae Jepsen’s 2015 album “E•MO•TION” every hour.
The supermarket will be rearranged into alphabetical order with two proposed solutions for this. 1. Each aisle contains a small amount of every product; 2. The supermarket becomes a single, long aisle going from A to Z.
Instead of war, legally binding Poetry Slams.
The expression “put your money where your mouth is” to be updated to “put the money in your mouth”.
10% of buses to be converted into “Vengabuses”. It will only be apparent you are on a Vengabus once you have entered the Vengabus.
The British national anthem to be replaced by “1000 miles” by Vanessa Carlton.
All books to be transmitted into space in binary code.
Morning to be renamed “Afternight”. Afternoon to be renamed “Prevening” . Evening to be renamed “The Long March (To Midnight)”. Night to be renamed “Daytime’s Assassin” .
Saying “Bless you” when someone sneezes to come to an end. Saying “Sneezes, am I right?” to begin.
In addition to nightly 11:11pm wishing, 11:11am wishing will be introduced.
The author of this pamphlet to have his name changed by deed poll from “Ross McCleary” to “Ross McClearly”.
Hump Day to be made into a public holiday.
Please submit further suggestions for improvement to Ross McClearly at email@example.com. For acceptance into this manifesto the proposal must adhere to the following principle: for the good of no one; for the ill of no one; for entertainment purposes only.